Insanity as a Selling Point
by Anyjen
Summary: Meet Whatanookie. No, he is not a noodle with glasses; that's just the way he's drawn. Meet Duhmeki. When they were handing out personalities, he was busy raiding the kitchen. PARODY! Because sometimes, we need to laugh at what we love.


**Sooo... I was bored and feeling silly one day (not a good combination), and I started thinking of xxxholic and all the weird things that we take for granted in it, and then started thinking how a "normal" person (meaning: somebody not used to anime/manga/CLAMP) might see it. And then this was born.**

**It's meant to be a parody ****à la MAD magazine (which made a similar parody of Saint Seiya in Mexico about a decade ago), in that it's totally cruel and delights in misundertanding everything, looking at it from the perspective of a casual (and quite confused) observer. It's random, very, very stupid and potentially offensive, so please, don't take it seriously (I can't stress this strongly enough). **

**I wrote it because sometimes, we need to laugh at the things we love. ^^U **

**Now if you feel up to it, get your crack goggles on, and dig in!**

**(For all those who think this looks familiar, yes, it's the same one I posted on my journal a while back, but it's longer**** and has been seen by the keen eyes of my betas, who are not to be held responsible for its creation. They are totally innocent and were forced to read and correct this, I swear!)**

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Insanity as a Selling Point

You know those nights when there's absolutely nothing on TV and you'd watch just about anything to pass the boredom? Well, for those nights, we recommend a really weird little series called xxxholic... yes, that's what it's called, but don't get your hopes up: it's got nothing to do with porn or porn addicts. In fact, it's a perfect example of false advertisement. Nobody ever gets laid in this story.

But for all the disappointing lack of sex, there's a whole bunch of crazy stuff involving spirits, monsters and crazy people to make up for it, so it won't be a total waste of your time. As a back-up plan, you could always turn it into a drinking game. One shot each time the words "destiny," "fate," "connection" or "meant to be" are mentioned ought to get you nice and drunk halfway through the first episode, which will surely make the rest of the experience much more bearable.

Meet Whatanookie. No, he is not a noodle with glasses; that's just the way he's drawn. Everybody is insanely tall and thin in here. Be sure to wear your earplugs before you approach him, this fella here can scream like he means it. Protective gear - say, the kind football or hockey players wear - is also advisable, since he has elevated flailing to an art form. We wouldn't want you to lose an eye to it, like a certain other character (though there was a full cover-up story involving a spider, we weren't fooled by it). He frequently holds conversations with dead people and seems to be considered a tasty spirit treat. We intend to have him admitted to a mental facility any time soon, since nobody else around him seems to have realized just how deranged that is. He seems to have very patchy recollections of his parents, which is understandable, because he wasn't born the usual way. No, he wasn't a test tube baby; he was closer to the concept of a clone, only not really. Also, Whatanookie isn't his real name; we haven't been told his real name yet, but we suspect it is Dolly.

Meet Duhmeki. When they were handing out personalities, he was busy raiding the kitchen. He is your average stoic, handsome and popular-though-he-doesn't-give-a-damn character, despite having a girly name. He is the nightmare of chefs in general and Whatanookie in particular, since he eats huge amounts of very hard-to-make food without showing any signs of appreciation besides licking the plates clean. Also, he's gay. Or at least bi. We don't care if he hasn't said anything about the topic, we want him to be and thus he is! He is also a creepy stalker who follows Whatanookie everywhere under the pretense of protecting him from spirits. Don't be fooled by his lack of expressions; he is a closet pervert who secretly wants to sex Whatanookie up. Of this, we are sure. He also practices a medieval sport that he uses to kill people who threaten the object of his obsession. Said people were already dead from the get-go, so they don't really count.

Meet Yuuko. She redefines the concept of indecent exposure. Contrary to popular belief, she isn't a stranger to modesty; they're actually sworn enemies. Her outfits defy the rules of gravity, modesty and common sense, and she uses her cleavage as a weapon. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Her hobbies include drinking, smoking dubious substances from an antique pipe and psychologically torturing her employee, otherwise known as Whatanookie. He only found this annoying at first. Then, like many victims of extended torture, he developed a bond with his torturer and now holds her in high regard. Yuuko is also the owner of a very weird shop with a very select clientele. For starters, they're all female (Whatanookie and Duhmeki don't count, since they're gay). If wishes were fishes, Yuuko would be a fishmonger. Her trade is certainly fishy enough.

Meet the twins. Their names are Marudashi and Morodashi. They're Yuuko's kids, which proves that woman is just evil. Who the heck names their children that? Their main occupation seems to be dancing all over the place while parroting anything anyone in the vicinity might say, though they often stop dead and stare blankly at nothing in particular. Drug-induced bipolarity, anyone? Considering the kind of stuff their mother smokes, this shouldn't come as a surprise.

Meet Mohkoona. We're not entirely sure _what_ it is, but we suspect it's the result of highly illegal genetic engineering and animal experimentation. It was probably a rabbit in a past life. Some of its qualities include: annoying the hell out of Whatanookie, forging alliances to further annoy the hell out of Whatanookie, looking like a doll, drinking like a fish and eating several times its own weight. We'd call animal control, but we fear they'd put it down. It seems to be beyond help, the poor thing.

Meet the pipe fox. We don't really understand why it's called that, because it looks nothing like a pipe or a fox. It's more like a furry snake; yet another product of genetic engineering, in all likelihood. When it grows up, it becomes a strange multi-tailed creature that breathes fire and is in serious need of de-clawing. It is also ridiculously fond of Whatanookie. When it's in its small form, it can often be seen wrapped around Whatanookie's neck like a boa and hiding away under his clothes. When it's in its big form, it also spends a lot of time on top of Whatanookie, who doesn't seem to mind it too much. Figures. Everybody else is a pervert, why wouldn't he be into bestiality?

Meet Heemahwhari. If she smiles at you, RUN. People she likes have a tendency to get hurt in weird ways. She claims it's because she gives them bad luck. We're still waiting to hear from the police on this one.

Meet Harookah. He is a long-dead grandfather who probably perished because of lung cancer - considering he was/is never seen without a cigarette in his hand - but he still manages to visit Whatanookie in his dreams often, creepily looking like his teenage grandson. He also had weird hobbies. He used to hide books all over the place, play with balloons and dress his grandson up in girl's clothes. No wonder Duhmeki turned out to be such a pervert.

Meet Cough-aneh. She can see dead people, though unlike other grade school kids that share this unwanted gift, she actually gets paid for it. The currency seems to be bandages, profane graffiti and abuse. Her mother makes sure she gets jobs contradicting well-known mediums and staring at cherry trees. We're calling Social Services as soon as we get the number for the area she lives in. Eventually Whatanookie meets Cough-aneh and proves to be a creepy paedophile... or a kind older brother figure; we haven't made up our minds yet.

See Heemahwhari, Whatanookie and Duhmeki at a normal highschool day... yes, it's a highschool, even if nobody seems to be doing any studying over there. Notice the uniforms? Just don't expect to see them doing anything that could be considered normal, like, say, attending classes. Their school hours seem to consist mainly of lunch hour, sports class, student council meetings and archery practice. We are still trying to find out who approved that kind of curriculum...

See them now at lunch hour. No, Whatanookie isn't suffering from some kind of seizure. He's apparently delighted by the sheer cuteness of Heemahwhari's smile (he wasn't warned in time) and is performing one of his infamously insane happy dances. Just try not to get too close, or you might lose a limb. Did you remember the protective gear? Good.

Now we see Duhmeki reach for the multiple-storey bento boxes. This guy is able to stuff the entire contents down his gullet and never complain about indigestion, or even gain weight. We suspect he may be bulimic.

Now see Whatanookie and Duhmeki leave school together. Don't be surprised at the huge time jump; time acts in wonky ways here, and nobody ever seems to find it strange. They're apparently used to it by now.

Notice how loudly Whatanookie whines about having to spend time with Duhmeki. He is denser than lead and hasn't yet realized that Duhmeki isn't the least interested in dating Heemahwhari, who Whatanookie has a huge crush on. Don't try to pity him, either; we know he secretly enjoys Duhmeki's attention. He covers it by screaming abuse at Duhmeki and even attacking him often, all of which is accepted with remarkable good cheer by Duhmeki, who, if anything, seems to encourage these explosions. He seems to be a closet masochist on top of everything else. After all, he keeps trying to get close to Whatanookie despite often getting badly injured as a result. Whatanookie blames spirits for Duhmeki's injuries, but we are skeptical about these statements. We've seen the kind of damage he can cause by his flailing, and Duhmeki is apparently dumb enough to forgo the protective gear.

Now we see them get past the gate of Yuuko's shop and plow through what seems to be the equivalent of a rainstorm of pink petals. Yuuko seems to be very fond of these and we suspect she may be paying people to throw bucketfuls of the stuff from her roof.

This is, in fact, definite proof that she isn't actually Japanese, since she exhibits an enthusiasm for all things Japanese that no-one other than a foreigner would ever think to display. That and her height and bust size were a dead give-away.

She also happens to have an arch-nemesis, by the name of Fei Wong Reed (insert the wong/dong joke of your choice here). He's hard to miss: he's the guy with the crazy laughter, the grandiose proclamations and the huge ass-chin. You can tell at a glance he's a bad guy because he's wearing a _monocle_. I mean, seriously, a _monocle_? Talk about cheesy. Also because he has hordes of evil minions he treats like puppets to do his evil deeds, though he occasionally indulges in a spot of cold-blooded murder, all up-close and personal. He can also be seen mumbling crazily to himself about his evil plans. Apparently he never read the evil overlord list and thinks he will be able to get away with it. Amateur. We expect he will cause his own downfall sometime soon. Possibly by having a big red button with "Self-destruct; DO NOT PUSH!" in plain sight, or something. It's bad enough he's trying to get in the way of One True Love.

See: Tsubasa Reservoir Chronicle, or A Story Not for People with Feather Allergies.

We won't go into detail about what happens inside the weird place Yuuko calls a shop. It's bound to be something shady and sinister, considering how many of the clients meet misfortune soon after having their wishes fulfilled. We suspect this is to shut them up so no-one knows what really goes on inside.

In other words, this story is one rife with violence, drugs, sexual innuendo, gay undertones (and overtones), people with eating disorders, and S&M.

We wouldn't be too surprised if it became insanely popular in no time at all.

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**So, yeah... I should probably be hanged for writing this. ^_^UUU**

**Once again, please don't take it seriously. I love xxxholic with a passion, and this is by no means meant to ridicule it... just a stupid parody meant to cause a few chortles and perhaps a few guffaws, nothing more.**


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